what i'm using now

lipstick

 nail color

 kashieca perfume

 moisturizer

 more lip color

shower gel

Things I will be doing when I visit Manila

1. Look for Miss Leyhl Anne Nierves
2. Stroll in Divisoria
3. Stroll in Quiapo
3. Stroll in Robinson's Malate and eat Silvanas
4. Stroll in SM North Edsa
5. Ride the LRT
6. Stroll in SM Mall of Asia
7. See the Luneta dancing lights
8. Stroll at Ever
9. Stroll at Isetann
10. Stroll at SM Manila

wee.

Dear John,

John, I have never been so in love for so long. Four years. Wow. I guess that's a pretty long time, huh? I have loved being with you all the time, talking to you all the time, and being in love with you all the time. You have never cheated on me (contrary to what I have done to you, which I did twice). Gaad. You were so mad at me. I thought our relationship wouldn't be fixed, but still, you accepted me. You still loved me. You swallowed your pride, the one thing you claim to be what you only have. I really appreciated that and loved you even more.

I always thought you would run away when you got me pregnant. You didn't. Gaad. I love you. You are one of those few guys, who girls would be so lucky to have. I am in awe of your overall goodness. I never thought I would come across a man like you. You are so responsible that you 'tried' to take care of 'our family' and 'took good care' of your father's family. You are a good friend to all your friends. You are always there whenever they need you, even if I may need you too.

You see, I have never stopped loving you, but. We need to go our separate ways now. I have waited so long for everything to change, for everything to be okay. I wanted my parents to accept you. I wanted you to move away from your house so you wouldn't be responsible for them anymore, so you could earn, for us. I wanted you to wake up earlier so you could greet me 'good morning.' I wanted you to stop thinking so negative of me. I wanted to stop thinking about me as a snobbish, immature, misdirected, and unfaithful bitch that you always thought I was. How hero of you to love someone of that denomination? I am impressed.

But sadly, honey, we cannot go on like this.

I would love to spend the rest of my life sittin' beside you, sippin' tequila. However, our lives are not crossed in the future. We are both the eldest in the family, and same as your responsibility, I have responsibility for my siblings too (thank you for showing me that with the way you set aside our family). I also think that I do not have the right to change you. I mean, who am I to do that? I am just a girl you loved. Love changes us, but really, I can't change you. Honey, I have changed the way I am since the day I first met you, but I have no right to oblige you to do the same.

Please don't get mad at me. Let's be friends, for the little kiddo in front of the television dancing to Doc Mcstuffins. I want her to have a bright future. I don't want here to feel she has a broken family. I wish you all the best after everything. You have your whole life ahead of you. Tatah ;)

That Feeling

Here am I again, in front of this mad machine (perfect for a mad woman like me). Ren and I have broken up. It’s been two days. I haven’t talk to him since. I don’t think he intends to talk to me the way I don’t intend either. I’ve loved him for five long years. I don’t understand why it’s over now, why I don’t feel the same way anymore. We have a child, and she’s all I need to think about now. No, I’d still have to think about college, my future, my blog.

Ren could be what every girl would want, except for he’s not really good-looking. However, the qualities of a reliable man are in him. He’s responsible. He’s family-oriented. He didn’t run away when he’s got me pregnant. He still accepted me even after I cheated him twice. He’s giving me financial assistance when I need it. He doesn’t make me pay when we eat out. He really is husband-material.

The problem is, I don’t see him and I growing old together. I could more likely see myself happier alone than be with him. I guess everything in our relationship fell on a routine system of eating out, texting all the time, fighting all the time, making up all the time, and doing the same things all the time that I got so bored. I realized that we have finally found our safety bubbles in the relationship that we seldom make flips and turns and the relationship got so bland – at least for me.

After five years, I have stopped loving him, I guess.

Love indeed is not a guarantee, because people change all the time. I may be head over heels right now, and who knows the next day, I may not care if I see you again.

WHAT TRIGGERED IT

I have cheated on Ren with some guy who is a family friend. Rey really showed me he liked me. Rey treated me way too well than how Ren did. Rey even came to my house in the middle of heavy night rain just to be with me because he said he missed me. Ren never did that. I didn’t leave Ren for Rey because I thought I loved Ren more. And another thing maybe, it’s because I think I wouldn’t lose Rey any time soon, that he’s always going to be there(because he really wanted me).

Too bad that ain’t the case. After two weeks of our last physically encounter, I texted Rey. No reply. I texted his other number. “Hi. This is Rey’s girlfriend. We swapped sims.” I felt a huge slump in my throat. I got horrified and texted back that I WAS his girlfriend. That, excuse me, we just had a physical encounter, woman! That ain’t possible. Do you actually know what you’re talking? It was a hullaballoo. My heart felt like it was crashed and stepped on and shot and wow! I DID NOT see that coming.

At the moment, I didn’t care if Ren texted me or not or if we would fight because it took so much time for me to reply to his texts because of the aftershocks of the bad news I just got. I was mortified. I didn’t know what to do.

Everything was followed by a text from Rey scolding me why I texted HIS GIRLFRIEND that way, that he’s happy with her and didn’t need or want anything from me anymore. I’ve lost Rey and I felt that I’ve lost him forever. It is horrifying, the thought of never hanging out with him again, of never being romanced by him ever again, of never being able to touch or kiss or embrace him ever again. I still have his photos and I look at them, and my inner goddess tells me “Cut the crap, Kwin. He’s not yours to look at anymore!” I realized that my loss is in him.

I always thought I shouldn’t leave Ren for Rey, because I always thought that Ren was my safehouse. At that moment, I felt I loved Rey more than Ren. I’m like a little kid who’s snatched of her ice cream.

Now, that I’ve broken up with Ren, I realized I’m more at peace. I’m more honest and true to myself and to what I feel, God bless me. I felt that I must let him go. I was mourning, not with Ren, but with Rey. And it’s not helping that we’re living in the same street, that I get to hear motorcycles with the same groan as his, that I see him face to face in his motorcycle with his new girlfriend in the back ride, that I have to sit down in the same spot in front of my store where we used to hang-out.

Goodness, why is it so hard to move on? Why is it so damn good to fall in love? Either way, you only get your heart broken. What I honestly want?

1.      I want Rey to call me and tell me he’s broken up with his girlfriend.

2.      I want Ren to call me and tell me he couldn’t live without me. (For some reason, I don’t get why I want this.)

3.      I want to hang-out with Rey again, all the time.

4.      I want Ren and I to be good friends for our daughter.

5.      I want Rey and I to get back together.

I’m such a baby. I’ve gotta be honest, man. I’ve gotta feel the pain of an honest decision, to know that I’m on the right track. And if ever Rey and I don’t get back together as I wish, I believe that breaking up with Ren is still a good decision. I don’t love him anymore, there’s no reason to still stick around.

I know that even if I don’t get to end up with Rey, I would still have my happy ending, that someone is waiting at the end of the line for me, that I was meant for someone.  I may be alone now, but I know that happiness will find me and that ‘now’ is just a beginning. 

MV Logos Dream

It’s been a year since I’ve been on the MV Logos Hope. It’s a ship that goes to different countries to share the word of God. It has a library with books to sell every time it docks to one country. On board it are volunteers of different nationalities who self-support their stay on board.

That was an experience that left a mark on my heart – the desire to one day go on board it.

I have met a friend during a visit to MV Logos, Michelle Lee, a Hong Kong national. She’s a very nice person. She toured me around the ship and invited me to a dinner along with her “family” in the ship. The food was actually something we don’t normally have for dinner in the Philippines. No rice, boiled salmon, boiled potatoes, some sauce, and milk – that composed that dinner. I thought, if I am ever getting on board to volunteer, I would have to learn to live without rice. That’s a good diet, I thought.

Michelle said she wanted to stay longer on board, but she’s only got two months. She misses her family, but being a volunteer to this ‘ship with a purpose’ is such a great journey. I envy her. I want to go on board the MV Logos hope too.

I know being on board it would make a 360-degree-turn in my life. It would be something I could do for the Lord. The very thought of bonding with people who has the same purpose of serving God, gives me more excitement and passion to pursue this dream.

Until now, the dream of volunteering for the MV Logos hope never leaves me. I want one day to be in it. I know that God can see my heart and that desire I have to serve him. I have been wanting to begin my journey of serving God, and I guess this would be one of the biggest leaps I’ll ever try to make to achieve that. 

A long way to go

These are some of my plans for the future.

Graduate from college

Look for a job (Preferably, online. I have been targeting applying at my aunt’s outsourcing company. I think it would cater to what I want as a job, that is, write.)

Apply for my pre-need plan (Social Security System)

Volunteer at MV Logos Hope

Enroll for a second course (BS International Relations)

Fulfill my dream to travel to New York

Write a book

Get married

Have more kids

He is bad news

I tried to love you. I loved you. But then I guess, all I really want right now is friendship. I want to keep you, but I'm not sure if I want to marry you someday, or build a family with you someday. I guess you're just not my missing piece.

Fifty Shades of Grey Casting

This is just my suggestion. Don't freak out.

Christian Grey

Anastasia Steele

Katherine Kavanagh

Jose

Elliot Grey

Mrs. Robinsons

I think this is a very interesting cast!

Like walking in high heels (Confidence)

"If you don't have it, then fake it. If you fake it, and people believe that you have it, then who's to say you don't have it?"

People who's got confidence can take over the world. Sometimes, that's just what it gets to be on top. Some people have all the knowledge and skills and talent, but lack confidence - and all the rest get buried six feet under.  I honestly believe that it is confidence that takes one person from point A to B. It what's get you somewhere.

Rule # 1 If you don't have it, then fake it
This is my favorite rule of the bunch. Anybody can fake confidence, given the fact that everybody's good at faking. Come one, we all have the gift of that! (grin)

Rule # 2 Be knowledgeable
Nothing beats the confidence of someone who speaks about something and knows it too well even with eyes closed.

Rule # 3 Shut the rest of the world out
Play blind on things distracting and concentrate on the one thing that you're doing.

I only have three, but they work a lot for me. Confidence.

Things I want to do this summer

Guess it through pictures!

A Three

I think I shall never see

I grade as lovely as a three

A three that's earned with blood and sweat

When failing is a serious threat

A three I've asked from God all day

Knowing prayer is the only way

Exams are taken by fools like me

But only God can give a three

cred to the UP :)

We went swimming! (late post)

@ photo: I'm just somewhere there!

01/23/2012 I went to Dasma with four of my friends (all girls). I am not exaggerating when I say it was so much fun! It's been a long time since the last time I swam to my heart's content. At this outing, I really got much of 'stroking and full body hydration'. Water! water! water! I've never enjoyed water this much!  I loved everything about water that day.

BTW, before I we were gone swimming, we went to a country club that really looks like some place I went to spend the rest of my money when I become rich, but then, we didn't took much pictures.

I'm planning to come back to Dasma next month even if I'm alone. I just want to make it a habit to swim every month for exercise, and I can't wait!

An Afternoon Talk with Ricky Lee (late post)

     The rain poured for a busy Monday morning. I stayed at my tambayan the whole morning and went to school after lunch. The fact that I thought it's an ordinary lecture day in class, I didn't bring my camera. Later, I found out that we were having an informal meeting with the nationally famous script writer and novelist, Ricky Lee.

     I've seen him in the promotional pictures of his books - a guy about his early fifties with glasses. I imagined him to be blabber and loud when he speaks. However, later did I found out that he was soft-spoken. What is true to my expectations is that he is substantial. 

     If you don't know him and haven't read any of his books, seeing him the first time wouldn't make you think that the man in front of you is big shot. 

     Then he begins to talk. He tells us about his life, as an adopted child, he really felt like an outsider, that life was distorted for someone like him. That's where he claims he gets inspiration for the things he writes. 

Top 10 Persons I'd Like to Meet One Day

1. Keith Urban

Oh gaaad!! who could resist this hottie? Please don't hate me Nicole Kidman, but I want his babies.

2. Taylor Swift

I missed her Manila concert in 2010. :( I would love to get a chance to see her. I can relate to all of her songs!

3. Blake Lovely

I've always loved this golden girl. From the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants to Gossip Girl, she is one IT GIRL.

4. Rachel McAdams

She might be the mean one in Mean Girls, but I still loved her. And she won my heart in The Notebook.

5. Emma Stone

She's my Hollywood dream best friend.

6. Leighton Meester

Gossip girl queen bee. Come one, who doesn't wanna meet her in person?

7. Prince William of Wales

Kate, you're one lucky babe. I've always dreamt of my own prince charming.

8. Ryan Gosling

He's my ideal man after I've watched The Notebook.

9. Miley Cyrus

She's been on my list since Hannah Montana got into Television!

10. Jerry Trainor

He's cute. Just cute. :)

Random Thoughts 0317

I don't think anybody loves me. I think that I was destined to be alone, and I don't want this. Every time I find love, it either becomes a trade-off or a heart break. Guys always leave me (either because of incompatibility or for another girl), and it hurts me every time. What must I do to find real happiness? I have been through A LOT, but it seems that I never learn. I try to change the bad things every after heartbreak, but it still happens that I'm the one left a loser. I would like to stop messing my life around. I want to be in peace. Settle down. Just be a mother and a wife. I want a stable job too, of course. Is that too much to ask?

----

Anyway, I'm crushing on my teacher. Well, actually, there's two of them. Wait for it, they have SAME NAMES! What is it with **l**s (name with s)? They're both so smart and cool. And they both have the same problem, why I can't have any of them. They are both *a**e**. </3 i just wish i become close to any/both of them. 

Candy Colored Dreams

I just found these pictures on flickr. They're so nice. They look so sweet. I love candy colors.. 

Adam and Eve

“Nine months earlier Eve went into a small room. Adam was there. It was cold. It’s past midnight. There was pleasure. Eve gave everything. It was Eve and Adam’s unite.”

Did Adam and Eve have pre-marital sex?

For those who still do not know what pre-marital sex is, it is having sexual intercourse outside marriage.  Whether you do it before you get married, or do it with someone who’s married to someone else, or do it with somebody else if you’re married, it is PMS. It does not come new to young people today. Many still act innocent, but it is a reality that we face. Many do it with their peers. It’s the new immoral “in” thing. Of course, the conservative and religious people identify themselves to be against it.

One biology teacher said, people at some point in their life would need sex, especially men. The Holy Bible also allows sex that’s ‘within marriage.’

                People have sex before marriage because… One, they get curious, but that’s an understatement. Those who use that reason really means they want to try it because they believe it feels good. Two, they it’s their own way of showing how much they love each other, which could be one real reason. And finally, the third reason is, they do it because they believe that it is already a normal thing to do. However, that is only at the beginning. The consequences are unimaginably worse.

There is a great risk of having AIDS/HIV in pre-marital sex, of which, the cure is hardly obtained due to the expensive price and the availability of the medicine. This disease could possibly get into the system of everyone who does it – married or not. The disease could be passed from one person to another by, of course, sexual intercourse.

                Aside from the physical damages pre-marital sex can do, it can also destroy the morale and esteem of a person.

                *Pretsel is a college student, and has experienced pre-marital sex. “Pagshow ko man ‘yun ng love. He asked for it. S’yempre it’s not easy baya to say “no” kasi you might lose the person.” She does it every time her boyfriend asks for it, and most of the time, she skips classes for this. Where do they do it? “Minsan sa dorm niya. Nakakahiya…kasi may mga nakakakita din pag pumapasok ako. Pero patay mali lang ako, patay mali din sila.” Pretsel has also admitted that rumors about her not being ‘virgin’ anymore has scattered. “Maka-hurt ih. Pero somehow okay na man ngayon. Kasi so far, totoo man din.” Is there anything that she regrets about it? “Siguro yung, hindi ko alam ang mangyari sa akin ‘pag break na kami. If matanggap kaya ‘yun ng next boyfriend ko. Tsaka siguro, yung feeling na ikakasal ka one day na naka-white ka pero hindi ka na pure. S’yempre naman winiwish ko pa rin na sana diba, pure pa rin ako. Pero wala naman. Gor nalang.”

                 A person will even more regret doing it, if it were to a person who does not even care. Most people do it drunk, so most probably, they do not do it upon emotional conviction, but purely of lust and emptiness. Many families and lives are destroyed by this.

                *Hansel is a second year student in the university, and is a single mom. “Mahirap. Baka hindi na ako makapag-asawa. I keep on thinking, ‘will I ever be able to still live normal after all?’ ‘Will anybody still find me acceptable para i-love?’ Ngayon, my hope lies doon sa father ng baby ko. Para sa akin, parang siya lang ang p’wedeng tumanggap sa akin. My hopes are closed sa ibang tao.”  Do you think you still have the chance to be in a relationship that does not involve the father of your child? “Mayroon siguro, pero slim. I really don’t know. I think it’s hard to believe that in my situation, somebody else would still take me seriously.”

                After all, maybe pre-marital sex isn’t always a good idea. It’s a gamble which always leads into a loss.

“Nine months later Eve went into a small room. Adam wasn’t there. It was hot. It’s past midday. There was pain. Eve gave birth. It was Eve and Adam’s divide.”

Rallying Hard

I could vividly remember how much effort I gave in the noon of January 15, 2012. We were supposed to have the quiz for a major subject at one o’clock. I prepared. I came to school early, and I reached school – in the hardest way I’ve had imagine – and it is not an exaggeration.

                It was cloudy, but it felt hot. The travel from USM avenue to the campus took longer than anyone would expect. There was heavy traffic. It was caused by the protestors. Nobody could pass the main gate. It was blocked by an angry mob who wants President Antonio Derije to step down.

                Luckily, I was able to ride the tricycle of a friendly driver who did not give up on delivering his passengers to school. He considered other routes to the university. However, the other three gates were also blocked by protestors. At that moment, I wondered. Why are these people here? They were a mix of students, faculty and staff, and some persons of unknown origin. Most of them are not really from the university. What is this rally for, really? They keep on yelling issues against the president, but there is not one concrete and clear reason that they push through. They just keep on saying, “No to corruption,” “President Derije is a crocodile,” “President Derije is a monkey,” and many more.

 And another catch was, they also seemed angry to students who come to school. I am not the only student who was determined to go to class that afternoon, many were. And those students came over the fence just to come in. What did the protestors do? They ran after these students, and the students were threatened. According to one USMian who supported the rallyists, “That is a total turn-off.” They do not know if these students support them in their battle for what they claim to be “the justice,” and they threatened them.

Do not get me wrong. I am not against the rallyists, but it is just not right to put the students in the same hot water with Derije. First of all, I respect the protestors of their right to shout for what they think is wrong. Second, I believe that students who do not rally, also have a right of their own and that’s to be able to have undisrupted classes because they paid for it. And finally, I believe that students who want to go to school must not be used against President Derije. Stop using students to evict the president from his throne, because it shows one desperate act. The rallyists will lose supporters by this. Block the gates at your own expense. Rallyists would get more allies if they were more humane.

The rallying people inside the University of Southern Mindanao march and shout their feelings. It is before the hopeful knot makes lose and before all the issues they face concerning the university president becomes plain unsought history. It just maybe is not in the right time – just weeks before the midterm exam, when every student must be inside the classroom, listing down pointers, and the exam week itself. It had not any bit helpful to the students.

They also are in the wrong places, blocking the gates and disturbing classes. Rallyists must allow students to come to school if they really want to help. They would’ve rallied before the re-appointment. It would’ve helped the decision-makers whether or not to re-appoint the president.

Right now that the president has been re-appointed, as for me, the best thing to do is respect that. If you do not want him, then better think of less harmful ways than to become a hindrance to other people. The parents of these students work hard just to send them to school. Please do not put that to waste

I believe that many students and faculties also support the rallyists. They have a right to decide who they will support. Some are against the rallyists because of the hassle they cause or because they want the president to stay. But behind all these, let us weigh things and set our priorities. Is our priority our studies? Or is it to worry about every issue concerning the university? Of course, these things concern us, but which comes first? Which comes last? Whatever it is that we fight for, let us make sure, we have the chance to win. Let us see, if it would give us something beneficial. Let us analyze at what we will be able to get more. Let us weigh and choose what is more beneficial for us.

Let us not be passive about things. Be analytical. Would you allow anomaly to go on just because you do not want to think too much? Or would you leave classes, fight for the truth, because somebody influenced you and you simply closed your eyes and swallowed it? Whatever decision you make, whatever camp you chose, see to it that you have firm reasons for it, because it would cost you everything.