That Feeling

Here am I again, in front of this mad machine (perfect for a mad woman like me). Ren and I have broken up. It’s been two days. I haven’t talk to him since. I don’t think he intends to talk to me the way I don’t intend either. I’ve loved him for five long years. I don’t understand why it’s over now, why I don’t feel the same way anymore. We have a child, and she’s all I need to think about now. No, I’d still have to think about college, my future, my blog.

Ren could be what every girl would want, except for he’s not really good-looking. However, the qualities of a reliable man are in him. He’s responsible. He’s family-oriented. He didn’t run away when he’s got me pregnant. He still accepted me even after I cheated him twice. He’s giving me financial assistance when I need it. He doesn’t make me pay when we eat out. He really is husband-material.

The problem is, I don’t see him and I growing old together. I could more likely see myself happier alone than be with him. I guess everything in our relationship fell on a routine system of eating out, texting all the time, fighting all the time, making up all the time, and doing the same things all the time that I got so bored. I realized that we have finally found our safety bubbles in the relationship that we seldom make flips and turns and the relationship got so bland – at least for me.

After five years, I have stopped loving him, I guess.

Love indeed is not a guarantee, because people change all the time. I may be head over heels right now, and who knows the next day, I may not care if I see you again.

WHAT TRIGGERED IT

I have cheated on Ren with some guy who is a family friend. Rey really showed me he liked me. Rey treated me way too well than how Ren did. Rey even came to my house in the middle of heavy night rain just to be with me because he said he missed me. Ren never did that. I didn’t leave Ren for Rey because I thought I loved Ren more. And another thing maybe, it’s because I think I wouldn’t lose Rey any time soon, that he’s always going to be there(because he really wanted me).

Too bad that ain’t the case. After two weeks of our last physically encounter, I texted Rey. No reply. I texted his other number. “Hi. This is Rey’s girlfriend. We swapped sims.” I felt a huge slump in my throat. I got horrified and texted back that I WAS his girlfriend. That, excuse me, we just had a physical encounter, woman! That ain’t possible. Do you actually know what you’re talking? It was a hullaballoo. My heart felt like it was crashed and stepped on and shot and wow! I DID NOT see that coming.

At the moment, I didn’t care if Ren texted me or not or if we would fight because it took so much time for me to reply to his texts because of the aftershocks of the bad news I just got. I was mortified. I didn’t know what to do.

Everything was followed by a text from Rey scolding me why I texted HIS GIRLFRIEND that way, that he’s happy with her and didn’t need or want anything from me anymore. I’ve lost Rey and I felt that I’ve lost him forever. It is horrifying, the thought of never hanging out with him again, of never being romanced by him ever again, of never being able to touch or kiss or embrace him ever again. I still have his photos and I look at them, and my inner goddess tells me “Cut the crap, Kwin. He’s not yours to look at anymore!” I realized that my loss is in him.

I always thought I shouldn’t leave Ren for Rey, because I always thought that Ren was my safehouse. At that moment, I felt I loved Rey more than Ren. I’m like a little kid who’s snatched of her ice cream.

Now, that I’ve broken up with Ren, I realized I’m more at peace. I’m more honest and true to myself and to what I feel, God bless me. I felt that I must let him go. I was mourning, not with Ren, but with Rey. And it’s not helping that we’re living in the same street, that I get to hear motorcycles with the same groan as his, that I see him face to face in his motorcycle with his new girlfriend in the back ride, that I have to sit down in the same spot in front of my store where we used to hang-out.

Goodness, why is it so hard to move on? Why is it so damn good to fall in love? Either way, you only get your heart broken. What I honestly want?

1.      I want Rey to call me and tell me he’s broken up with his girlfriend.

2.      I want Ren to call me and tell me he couldn’t live without me. (For some reason, I don’t get why I want this.)

3.      I want to hang-out with Rey again, all the time.

4.      I want Ren and I to be good friends for our daughter.

5.      I want Rey and I to get back together.

I’m such a baby. I’ve gotta be honest, man. I’ve gotta feel the pain of an honest decision, to know that I’m on the right track. And if ever Rey and I don’t get back together as I wish, I believe that breaking up with Ren is still a good decision. I don’t love him anymore, there’s no reason to still stick around.

I know that even if I don’t get to end up with Rey, I would still have my happy ending, that someone is waiting at the end of the line for me, that I was meant for someone.  I may be alone now, but I know that happiness will find me and that ‘now’ is just a beginning.